A Photo Blog of a Game I'm Not Sure I Played

To say I had some high expectations for Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles: The Crystal Bearers may be the biggest understatement of the year. Perhaps it's because my 360 has been M.I.A. for a few months and this looked to scratch that role-playing itch that Microsoft's box usually scratched; or maybe it's because I was smitten by My Life as a King, which was a great use for a mythology Square Enix refuses to acknowledge as it's own thing by slapping the Final Fantasy name on. Actually, now that I think about it, it's because it made such a damn good first impression; easily something that looked like the Wii could hang it's hat next to the other consoles. Right here is where I insert that cliche about "looks being deceiving".

I won't deny that, on a technical level, Crystal Bearers is a graphical powerhouse; on the Wii or anywhere else. But in this day and age, it takes a bit more than flashy good looks to keep someone playing. I was most looking forward to the mysterious plot involving the Yukes tribe (the pointy helmeted fellows) returning to the world after supposedly disappearing for a long while. What I got was a rote, nonsensical story that lacked even less substantial progression than the games structure. Which, by the way, is just you going through a variety of corridors while you ignore the floaty and unsatisfying battles on your way to the next perplexing cut scene. It never really felt as if I was in control; hell, I'm not sure I was really playing anything at all, really.

However, I did find a redeemable quality in your ability to snap photos. Like a lot of things going on in Crystal Bearers, I completely found it on accident when I hit 2 instead of 1 to get into my inventory. While most of the meta games within had tangible rewards for the player, I latched onto the one that only took memory out of my SD card. Quite frankly though; it was worth it. So instead of going on and rambling about the many irritating things about Crystal Bearers, I'll just present you with some of my favorite shots that make the game look more exciting than it really is.

This scene is sort of like the moment you step out of the sewers in Oblivion; only Crystal Bearers taught me nothing except contempt for gratuitous cut scenes and bland quick time events. Much to my dismay, this ended up being the only moment in the game where I ever got excited.

Here's another great vista shot that, upon first glance, would make you think that the game had wonderful level design. And while aesthetically that might be true; they were actually well concealed corridors.

Easily my favorite photo. I'm a sucker for places that remind me of my home here in the Black Hills: rollicking mountains, flowery fauna and strange cow/bantha hybrids that profess their love with hearts floating above their heads.

Yet another shot from the same area, the name escapes me which is a shame, as it's my favorite. That's a rope ladder in the middle there, hanging from an amazing zeppelin. I couldn't figure out how to get on the bugger, though.

At this point I had figured out that I could take shots in a first person view. I fail as a photographer, as I should have focused on that butterfly.

This is a really cool town that resides on a gigantic, shipwrecked boat.

If the Crystal Bearers will be known for anything, it's for this butt bumping segment. As to whether or not this is a good thing, I'm not sure. You're supposed to use your telekineses to help Belle (the gal on the right) knock the other girl off in some weird, turf earning ritual. I failed because the game gave no hint as to what you're supposed to affect. Interesting side note, the developers have a fascination with Belle's boobs; there's constant close ups of them, as she hides things in the cleavage. I'm not putting that out there to be perverse, it just became really funny later in the game as they did this every time. Proof that game developers need girlfriends.

I'll use these last two shots as a metaphor: this was the point where I hopped off the Crystal Bearers gravy train. That awesome field with the windmills? Couldn't explore it; the train took me back to the opening city to...I don't remember, because I really stopped caring at that point. I feel guilty for not finishing the game; but if something doesn't grab you, what's the point in just pushing through? Oh well, at least I made a cool photo blog out of it...